Narcissistic abuse

Article sections

1. Types of Narcissists
2. Relationship with a Narcissist
3. Ending the Relationship, Breakup, and a Pre-Divorce Checklist
4. Alternative Dispute Resolution – Therapy, Mediation, and Their Limits
5. We’re Going to Court
6. Hearing before the court
7. The Decision
8. Subsequent co-parenting with a narcissist
9. Communication strategies
10. Glossary of terms
11. Sources

Introduction

On these pages, you’ll find a basic introduction into narcissistic abuse – especially from the perspective of relationships, divorce, custody proceedings, and subsequent co-parenting with a so-called high-conflict personality. This is a euphemistic label for what is colloquially called a “narcissist.” Although that term is relatively apt, it has turned into a buzzword, so I adopt terminology established in the professional international literature to make the information useful for further study in English language sources, which are much more developed on this topic.
For simplicity, the terms “narcissist” and “narcissistic” are used throughout – not as a diagnosis (we are not asserting that these individuals have a personality disorder), but as a name for a particular personality style and set of traits described below. It should also be noted that “narcissist” is used here as an umbrella category for disorders in the so-called Cluster B group (according to the DSM-5). This group includes emotionally unstable and impulsive personality disorders such as narcissistic, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders. All of these can exhibit narcissistic features to varying degrees. A specific combination of characteristics allows such behavior to be labeled “narcissistic,” and the person who displays it to be referred to, for the sake of brevity, as a “narcissist.”

General awareness of narcissism

The aim of this text is, first, to raise awareness of the topic among professionals, and second, to offer a comprehensive guide for separating and divorcing parents who find themselves in the role of victims of narcissistic abuse. I compiled this guide for my practice together with colleagues specializing in family law, drawing on consultations with mediators, therapists, and psychologists, the available literature, and – above all – our experience with these highly conflictual types of divorces, including custody proceedings. On these pages, you’ll find key concepts, pitfalls, and practical tips gathered from theory and practice to help you “successfully” navigate separation, divorce, and the subsequent co-parenting – which is something of a “mission impossible.”

Who is a narcissist?

Most people picture a narcissist as someone almost comically fixated on appearance and image, but that is a very superficial notion that applies only to certain types. In reality, we are dealing with individuals whose behavior can be highly destructive and who often bully those closest to them psychologically, and sometimes even physically. Typical features include manipulative, vindictive conduct and a sense of superiority, including the conviction that they hold a privileged status in relation to their shared children.

Such people have a distorted self-perception and are generally unable to take responsibility for their actions. This shows up in various ego-defense mechanisms – lying, projection, and shifting blame onto others. They are masters at twisting reality and frequently present themselves as the victim, whether of circumstances or of other people’s actions. We are therefore speaking about the issue of narcissistic abuse, which is devastating in human relationships. This of course extends beyond family relationships that are the main focus of this text – to friendships and the workplace as well. Most of us have witnessed how the presence of even a single toxic person can destabilize an entire team, with far-reaching effects on personal life. Narcissists may be highly functioning, intelligent, and successful in their field and enjoy broad recognition, or they may be socially problematic individuals who parasitize on those around them. A separate chapter will be focused on a more detailed description of narcissistic behavior in intimate and family relationships.

The issue of narcissism in the Czech Republic and worldwide

Although this field is covered only very sparsely in the Czech Republic, abroad – especially in the United States – there is a wealth of publications, and an increasing number of professionals (psychologists, psychotherapists, and even specialized attorneys) focus on it. This is partly due to the greater openness of American society to mental health topics and the better availability of psychological and psychiatric care, thanks to which that society is also somewhat better diagnosed. From there, we can draw valuable statistical data, guidance, and trends.

Statistics

If we look at the numbers, narcissistic personality disorder itself is relatively rare. Estimates suggest that 1 – 6% of the population meet full diagnostic criteria. That figure may not seem striking, but narcissistic behavioral traits are also seen in people with borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy), histrionic personality disorder, and paranoid personality disorder. Because personality disorders lie on a spectrum, there is a large group who do not meet full diagnostic thresholds yet manifest certain features to a lesser degree.

According to recent U.S. research (National Institutes of Health studies, cited in Parallel Parenting Solution by Carl Knickerbocker, JD, p. 7), the prevalence of these personality disorders appears to be rising. For example, while “only” 3.2% of those over 30 meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, the rate is 9.4% among younger adults (ages 20–30), with an overall average of 6.2%. Looking at other summary figures: borderline personality disorder occurs in 5.9% of the population, antisocial personality disorder in 3.6%, histrionic personality disorder in 1.8%, and paranoid personality disorder in 4.4%. If we add these figures, we get a picture in which more than 20% of the population suffer, to some extent, from one of these personality disorders – and these are only individuals who scored on diagnostic testing.

Beyond that, a large portion of the population does not have a fully developed personality disorder but falls somewhere on the subclinical spectrum and exhibits narcissistic traits to varying degrees. It is precisely this non-negligible group that tends to accumulate in family-law offices, at the child-welfare authorities (OSPOD – the Czech child protection service), and in courtrooms, disproportionately burdening the custody system and creating conflictual, traumatic family patterns with far-reaching intergenerational impact. It is therefore more than appropriate for professionals working within the custody apparatus to give this issue heightened attention, because this is the very group that should be the target of clear, authoritative intervention by the whole system, so that shared children suffer as little as possible and so that the other parent receives support in the unenviable role of a lifelong sparring partner to this high conflict personality.

A Narcissist in the System

A prolonged parental conflict is seldom merely the product of one parent’s fleeting resentment. Its most common denominator is personality pathology, on at least one side of the dispute. Pointing out the patterned nature of the narcissistic personality style and the relational dynamics surrounding a narcissist should lead to a clearer grasp of the core problem and, in turn, to viable solutions. In precisely these cases, institutional professionals should not limit themselves to handing out a leaflet on the benefits of shared parenting; if the “best interests of the child” are truly their guiding principle, they should approach the matter with greater authority.

The focus of my texts is the mid-range narcissist (excluding the malignant narcissist and the outright psychopathic individual). The “average” narcissist is preoccupied with image and is therefore willing to respect certain socially conditioned boundaries and can be at least partly guided by appropriate authority. If the custody system were trained to detect toxic behavioral elements, an educational influence in the form of “authoritative recommendations” from a judge, who correctly identifies the dispute’s Achilles’ heel and directs attention to it, would often suffice.

When courts urge the parties to reach an agreement, they must first create the conditions for it. This means providing targeted education to the parties – and especially to the narcissistic parent – and acquainting them with the court’s preliminary legal view, particularly regarding the limits of their parental competencies and the fair level of child support, while warning of the consequences of failing to comply with a judgment or agreement. With no guidance, the narcissist’s baseline stance will almost always be set far below what a fair arrangement would require. To date, however, I more often encounter situations in which a child-protection worker (OSPOD) or a judge who is not fully grounded in their remit tends to side with the more problematic party – precisely because that party’s unscrupulous approach provokes fear and uncertainty and nudges people to avoid confrontation with the narcissist, while the victim quietly endures yet another hit.

Narcissism as a personality style

To conclude, let me return to the thorny issue of the terms narcissism and narcissist. This terminology provokes strong reactions because it is seen as overly diagnostic, and the professional community understandably resists labeling anyone without prior assessment. In recent years, the term has indeed become somewhat trivialized – people may call someone a narcissist simply because they “woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” As a result, these words lose descriptive power and can invite the minimization of the destructive impact narcissistic abuse has on its victims. Two points are key. First, I reiterate that on these pages I do not use narcissism or narcissist as a diagnosis, but as a description of a certain personality style – much like calling someone choleric or introverted. Second, individuals with a narcissistic (or related) personality disorder have very little motivation to seek professional help because, unlike many other disorders, their condition paradoxically harms those around them rather than themselves. Such a person rarely runs to a clinical psychologist for voluntary diagnosis and subsequent psychotherapy. If a narcissist does enter treatment, it is usually not due to adequate self-reflection, but either because of symptoms that complicate their own life (addictive behavior, anxiety, or depression), or as part of hoovering a former partner.

1. Types of Narcissists

Although the basic structure of all types remains the same (a sense of superiority, self-centeredness, lack of functional self-reflection, manipulativeness, lack of empathy, vindictiveness, need for dominance, etc.), how these traits show up outwardly differs by type. Stereotypically, people equate “narcissist” with the grandiose subtype, which is relatively easy to recognize from the outside – yet the other, less conspicuous types are often far more dangerous to those around them.

1. Grandiose narcissist

This is the “prototype” narcissist. Very often an extroverted, attractive, and well-groomed man or woman, such people deliberately draw attention, and attention is their main source of gratification. They openly dream of fame, grand visions, and a brilliant future. They may indeed be top tier in their fields, as they can inspire others with their visions and do not hesitate to enforce them authoritatively (anyone who has read the biographies of Elon Musk or Steve Jobs will recognize elements of this complex personality structure). They can be entertaining and, when things go well, great company. But their mood crashes are dramatic, and those around them become punching bags for their anger and accusatory outbursts.

2. Covert (vulnerable) narcissist

An often-overlooked subtype, because their presentation is essentially the reverse of the grandiose type. They may come across as shy, modest, and insecure. They frequently present themselves as victims – of circumstances or of others’ actions – and use it as the reason they cannot achieve their life or professional aspirations. They often exploit others, living at the expense of a partner, parents, a generous uncle, or a grandmother. Although they, too, feel exceptional and superior, their grandiosity is veiled by a sullen anger. Their hallmark is passive aggression: they are unable to express opposition openly but do so through an inventive series of obstacles and spiteful little acts.

3. Communal narcissist

Every narcissist needs an external source of validation. Whereas the grandiose type seeks admiration through beauty, intelligence, or talent, the communal narcissist draws it from publicly displayed altruism, helping others (preciously presented through social media), or, say, promoting a healthy and positive lifestyle (while behind closed doors unleashing angry tirades). Such a person is often seen as a pillar of the community, which makes it nearly impossible for their victims to speak out and gain support of others. An extreme example of the communal narcissist is a cult leader.

4. Malignant narcissist

The most dangerous subtype, combining traits of narcissistic personality disorder with antisocial behavior, paranoia, and aggression. Beyond self-centeredness, they display open cruelty and a desire for power and control over others. These are the perpetrators of physical domestic violence, stalking, and other criminal acts. They govern their surroundings primarily through fear and explicit threats.

In practice, other classifications exist, but for our purposes these four main categories suffice to show that narcissism cannot be reduced to a single stereotype of an extroverted charmer. Nearly all narcissists – except the openly malignant – show two different faces: one for the public, and another reserved for those whose opinions they no longer take into consideration.

2. Relationship with a Narcissist

Here I’ll try to summarize the essence and basic rules of a relationship with a so-called high-conflict personality. This topic requires much longer publication, so I’ll outline only the core stages and terminology to clarify what a narcissist’s partner typically goes through before the relationship reaches its final phase.

Relationships with narcissists follow certain patterns that theory describes quite well, because these individuals behave in surprisingly schematic ways in intimate relationships. The role of the other, non-narcissistic partner is also stereotyped; this relational pattern is called codependence.

Understanding these patterns is key to grasping the dynamics of such a relationship. To outside observers it can seem utterly incomprehensible, and the victim of narcissistic abuse – the narcissist’s partner – may appear unreliable, because from the outside it seems unbelievable that someone would voluntarily remain in such an unbalanced relationship and sometimes truly cruel conditions. This is driven by the narcissist’s partner’s narrowed perspective – feeling they have very limited options (“bounded choice”), and by a psychological process called intermittent reinforcement (see below). This dynamic is characteristic of domestic violence, coercive control (which includes psychological abuse) and is well mapped in victimology for those who wish to study the topic more deeply.

Stages of a relationship with a narcissist:

1. Courtship, or “love bombing”

This is the initial phase, when the narcissistic partner literally showers his “prey” with love and attention. The courtship style is tailored to the other person’s temperament. The narcissist may send flowers, buy gifts, plan romantic dates, or simply lavish their partner with extraordinary attention.

The so-called vulnerable narcissist often appeals to the future partner’s savior complex, signaling that only this partner understands them and can rescue them from their situation. In short, the narcissist places their new object of interest on a pedestal and creates the feeling that they are utterly exceptional. Clients often describe a sense of “soulmate” resonance, with the relationship moving forward very fast.

Narcissists tend to be charismatic and frequently complain that others (especially ex-partners) don’t understand them or fail to meet their standards. Their new partners thus feel privileged and are encouraged to believe they form an extraordinary couple. This phase lasts weeks to months and typically ends once the narcissist feels secure in their position.

It usually doesn’t end with a sudden turn, but with the first flashes of confusing incidents: critical remarks, giving the silent treatment, blame shifting, jealous comments, or ostentatious flirting with others. After the nearly idyllic opening phase, the victim is suddenly overwhelmed by confusion. At this crossroads, the partner either sees through it and leaves, or is trapped by the hope that it was only a passing episode and the narcissist will live up to that initial image. The courtship phase is intensely memorable, and the belief that the relationship can return to that stage often keeps the dynamic going for years.

2. Consolidation and the process of intermittent reinforcement

If the narcissist’s partner “qualifies” in the opening round and survives the fall from the pedestal, the relationship moves into a phase marked by repeating cycles of intermittent reinforcement – periods of dramatic downturns alternating with occasional bursts of the narcissist’s magnanimity or simply calmer stretches without fights.

This pattern is also known as trauma bonding, the most potent creator of addiction-like patterns in abusive relationships. It springs from our core human need for belonging and an emotional bond with a loved one, and often originates in childhood through natural dependence on caregivers, even abusive ones. This emotional bond can be more enduring and deeper than the disillusionment caused by betrayal or mistreatment (so-called betrayal blindness). Stockholm syndrome operates on the same principle.

Any addiction arises by inducing frustration that is then relieved by satisfying a basic need. Food tastes best after a day of hunger; nothing makes one feel more alive than narrowly escaping a fall (hence the appeal of adrenaline sports); and there’s no more intoxicating feeling than when a partner, tormented for weeks, finally receives a kind word and physical closeness. In other words, dependency forms most readily where a fundamental need is repeatedly frustrated and then met. The most searing, “fated” love tends to arise when the object of desire feels unavailable or hard to keep. This constant psychological distance makes narcissists exceptionally compelling lovers.

Narcissists have an almost uncanny ability to dose abuse in just the amount their partner can still tolerate at that point. From the outside this cycle can look inexplicable, yet it can maintain these codependent relationships for decades. For a time, such a relationship may even function asymmetrically, usually as long as it proceeds unopposed under the narcissist’s control, until the victim begins to draw firmer boundaries. Highly empathetic people, those prone to letting others overstep their limits, are particularly vulnerable, but almost anyone can slip into a narcissistic relationship if, say, a life crisis leaves them weakened, or if they fail to exit early and get drawn into the dependency dynamic.

3. Discard

In other words, the breakup but executed very differently by a narcissist. When a narcissist decides to end things, they are often shockingly cruel. People report being stunned by the suddenness and cold-blooded manner. Even if the non-narcissistic partner initiates the breakup, the narcissist’s response is typically icy and spiteful, sometimes escalating dramatically (“post-separation abuse”).

4. Hoovering (re-engagement)

Narcissistic relationships are often defined by repeated breakups and reunions. This happens because the narcissist both fears abandonment intensely and likes to keep control, needing to prove they can win the former partner back at any time. After some time apart, the narcissist starts testing the waters with proposals to return. If the ex-partner takes the bait, the love-bombing phase resumes. The narcissist promises to change, suddenly appears able to reflect on long-ignored requests, pledges to attend therapy, etc. The former partner feels as if the heavens have opened and the narcissist has finally “seen the light.” Hope for a lasting return to the initial stage is reactivated—but once the relationship stabilizes (now much sooner), everything reverts to the old pattern, often one level worse. This is the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

5. Cognitive dissonance

Victims typically experience “cognitive dissonance”, an inner conflict between what they feel and what they know. The partner loves the narcissist and wants the relationship to work, remembering its dreamlike beginning. Although they know the relationship is destroying them, they feel fatefully drawn back by the dependency patterns described above. They keep hoping that with some change, or by trying harder, being more tolerant, they can save it. Our minds strive for harmony between what we believe (or want to believe) and what we rationally know. When harmony is absent, we subconsciously relieve the discomfort by self-deception to avoid painful feelings: we avoid certain information, as well as friends and family who try to open our eyes.

A narcissist, who typically isolates their partner from others, now gains a powerful ally in the partner’s own internal motives and further encourages them to avoid people who “don’t wish our relationship well.”

6. The birth of children

A crucial catalyst in a narcissistic relationship is the birth of children, which fundamentally flips the relationship’s polarity, essentially a new phase. Narcissists rarely create a functional family environment. They do not handle the shift of attention from themselves to the child, and they often struggle to identify with their new parental role. In practice, two extremes appear: either they become excessively fixated on the children and turn them into a new source of validation, or the children are seen as obstacles to their previous freedom.

Narcissists also tend to assign roles to their children. In sibling dynamics, one child is typically the golden child, the chosen one onto whom the narcissist projects their ambitions and whom they turn into an emotional substitute for the partner, regardless of gender. This child is strongly favored. Another child becomes the scapegoat, blamed for everything that goes wrong in the sibling dynamic or the family (after the partner, who is blamed first).

Narcissists like to make children compete for their favor. Children serve as extensions of the narcissist’s ego. A child may be made into a social mascot through which the narcissist earns admiration via ostentatiously displayed parenting or the child’s special skills or cuteness. Yet the child is rarely allowed the free development of their own identity. They are accepted only so long as they fulfill the assigned role; thus, during adolescence, those who assert themselves are often discarded, or their individuation is deliberately sabotaged. In any case, the narcissist sees themselves as the privileged parent, regardless of the real extent and quality of care they provide.

All of this makes it clear that the impending breakup will not be any kind of peace summit, even if the narcissist loudly proclaims it and the partner fervently hopes for it.

3. Ending the Relationship, Breakup, and a Pre-Divorce Checklist

We’ve already covered the key milestones and regularities of a codependent relationship with a narcissist; now let’s turn to how to prepare for the subsequent divorce and, above all, custody proceedings. If the partners were not married, custody proceedings are of course not strictly required, but in practice it usually proves necessary to formalize rules for how things will function—because a narcissist persistently tends to bend everything to their own needs and has little interest in having things “in black and white.”

A bit of terminology

At this point, two important terms from the narcissism lexicon need to be introduced. Both are key to understanding the victim’s position and the narcissist’s abusive strategies:

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a word that comes from the film Gaslight (1944), in which, among other things, the husband dims the lights in the house and convinces his wife that she’s imagining it, driving her to doubt her sanity. This undermining of another person’s reality, feelings, or senses is one of the main tools a narcissist uses to gain control over their partner. It may take the form of straightforward lying (or crafty half-truths). Ffor example, flatly denying having agreed to meet at 4:00 p.m. in the town square, even though the other person clearly remembers when and how the plan was made. Or, if a wife objects to her narcissistic husband’s obvious public flirting with other women, she’s accused of being excessively jealous; if a narcissistic wife brings the children to their father two hours late without apology, fully aware he is supposed to take them to a planned event, she trivializes his justified irritation by saying he “has that mood again” or is “making a scene in front of the kids.”

These examples may sound trivial, and in isolation similar events can occur in any relationship where each partner may interpret an incident differently while still respecting the other’s right to their own feelings. For narcissists, however, gaslighting is a long-term, everyday strategy that helps them avoid responsibility for their behavior and shift blame onto the other. It simultaneously undermines the victim’s trust in themselves and fosters dependency on the abusive partner, who increasingly defines the victim’s perception of reality. If a victim feels an irresistible need to record conversations with their partner, it is very likely a case of gaslighting.

Flying monkeys

This term is borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch enchants flying monkeys to do her dirty work. In Czech there’s a similar slightly pejorative phrase, “useful idiot.” In the context of an activated divorce, a narcissist leads a smear campaign against the former partner through family, mutual acquaintances, and even professionals involved in custody proceedings (the child-protection authority OSPOD, mediators, family counselors, judges). These people do not necessarily harbor ulterior motives and may genuinely want to help resolve the situation, but they adopt the narcissist’s distorted narrative in which the victim is blamed for everything. Common clichés contribute to this, such as “it always takes two,” “the truth is always somewhere in the middle,” or a symmetrical appeal for “reasonable compromise for the children’s sake”, all of which are misplaced in asymmetric, abusive relationships. Through flying monkeys, a control-oriented narcissist increases pressure on the victim and stirs intense feelings of guilt and helplessness.

Breaking up with a narcissist

A breakup, even with a narcissist, can take many forms. In essence, I would divide them into two main categories:

Immediate, highly turbulent separation – This requires a relatively rapid response to the situation, including legal measures. The breakup itself, leaving the shared household, moving out with the children which is countered by preliminary court orders governing contact, consents to change schools or childcare arrangements, etc.

A gradual, creeping dissolution of the relationship – Here, the narcissist partially or entirely withdraws from the shared household, typically for a new partner, and the former partner, for the sake of peace, respects for a long time the status quo set by the narcissist. They take over the care of the children and make do with minimal or no child support. The narcissist thus keeps a back door open, enjoying personal freedom, unlimited access to the children, and zero obligations. After months or years of such an arrangement, when the narcissist’s partner increasingly recognizes the imbalance and seeks to formalize the separation, establish clear rules for childcare, and obtain fair financial settlement, they encounter fierce resistance from the narcissist. Narcissism is characterized by a need for power dominance arising from inner insecurity. Narcissists like to keep things under control, money, partners (including ex-partners), and shared children. Therefore, even in cases of a relatively calm prior breakup, trouble tends to arise the moment the narcissist’s former partner enters a new relationship.

Pre-divorce checklist

Clients usually come in with a realistic picture of their partner, having recognized the high-conflict pattern. Whether the person is a grandiose or a covert narcissist, they typically already know they’re a skilled manipulator, highly self-absorbed, focused on their own interests, and pursuing them with striking force. They lack self-reflection, and any criticism is met with angry denial. Unless the client arrives in the midst of ongoing court proceedings, however, they often don’t realize or are reluctant to admit that the process ahead will very likely exceed their expectations in exposing the negative traits of the narcissist’s personality.

1. Realistic expectations

Clients often arrive in a state consistent with true post-traumatic stress disorder. Narcissistic relationships frequently reach the level of domestic abuse, psychological (financial control, intimidation, isolation from friends and family, humiliation, etc.) and at times physical. It is entirely understandable that a client who has finally managed, often with support from others, to leave such a partner expects to be heard by the court; that the court, as well as OSPOD, the mediator, family counselors, and others involved in the custody process, will recognize the narcissist’s nature; and that the client will receive a degree of validation through the proceedings, culminating in a fair decision on custody and child support that reflects the abuser’s conduct. Unfortunately, no attorney can guarantee this.

The current system is oriented primarily toward equivalent (alternating) care of children, regardless of age (except for infants). The high-conflict behavior of one parent is typically subsumed under “mutual parental conflict,” which, per Constitutional Court case law, is not, by itself, an obstacle to shared custody. Clients should therefore be told that the proceedings ahead will almost certainly not feel validating and will likely not be handled by institutional actors in the way they hope. Within custody proceedings, the primary aim should be to obtain a workable judgment that sets clear, enforceable rules, firm boundaries on the narcissist’s parenting competencies and on their child-support obligations.

2. Choosing the right attorney

I strongly recommend retaining counsel for litigation involving a narcissistic ex. The process is extremely emotionally demanding, and most clients are not in a position to defend themselves effectively. After years in such a relationship, clients often feel cornered; to outsiders their reactions may appear disproportionate (overly combative or unusually apathetic). The attorney should be proactive and versed in narcissistic abuse (or willing to get up to speed). It’s wise to speak with several candidates before deciding. If a lawyer minimizes your experience with lines like “everyone thinks their ex is a narcissist during a divorce,” it’s a sign to keep looking. Because long-term gaslighting erodes confidence in one’s own perception, clients first need validation, trust, and to feel heard. At the same time, counsel must provide a realistic appraisal of the case, including risks. If a lawyer promises guaranteed sole custody and maximum child support from the narcissistic ex, they likely lack the necessary experience or are deliberately misleading.

3. Therapeutic support

If the client shows signs of trauma, they should be encouraged to arrange professional therapeutic support for the process ahead. During the proceedings, the client will face confrontation with the former, abusive partner, whose conduct will almost certainly be unfair, and more likely cruel and vindictive. They will be falsely attacked in court and, in parallel, exposed to conflicts over the children initiated by the narcissist, including through the narcissist’s “flying monkeys.” The narcissist will suddenly display excessive interest in the children (even if they previously left caregiving to the ex-partner), manipulate them, and try to form alliances against the former partner (“How could Mom do this to us,” “Dad is throwing us out of the house,” etc.). It is therefore essential that the client be stabilized by a professional who, ideally, is familiar with narcissism and will not minimize the narcissist’s behavior. The therapist can also help educate the attorney, serve as support in court, or prepare a report for the court documenting the client’s post-traumatic stress disorder, though the relevance of such reports to the legal proceedings is generally limited.

4. Financial Demands

The client should also be made aware that court proceedings in this context are likely to be more expensive than usual. When calculating child support claims and marital property settlement, they should factor in the costs of legal representation, especially when weighing any settlement the narcissist may offer, even if it is disadvantageous. If the client lacks sufficient funds, or is unwilling to invest in full legal representation, it is advisable to consult an attorney at least on the key steps in the proceedings (drafting the complaint, preparing for hearings, filing appeals, etc.).

4. Alternative Dispute Resolution – Therapy, Mediation, and Their Limits

Here I will summarize the options and the pitfalls of reaching an agreement with a high-conflict person so that it yields a practical model of care for shared children and, in the case of married partners, a marital property settlement that allows for an uncontested divorce. Because my focus is primarily on co-parenting issues, we will concentrate on the specifics of agreements concerning child care and child support.

An unequal relationship setup

At the outset, it must be said that any partnership fundamentally requires reciprocity and mutual respect for the other person’s needs, boundaries, personal space, and limits. In a relationship with a narcissist, however, the partner faces long-term devaluation of their own needs and the continual crossing of personal boundaries.

A narcissist is also notorious for their sense of entitlement regarding joint property (and even the partner’s property) and for their reluctance to meet financial obligations (debts or child support). Although a narcissist often presents as a moral beacon and, in low-commitment social contexts, can seem very selfless and generous, toward the partner they utterly lack a sense of fair arrangement, including financial fairness. Therefore, when we talk about the real possibilities of reaching an agreement with a narcissist, we must start from the premise that significant concessions from one’s own, however legitimate, demands will likely be required. Here it is necessary to work with the client’s need for a solution that provides a sense of redress. I encounter cases where, after years of concessions on all fronts, the client needs, simply to preserve their sense of integrity, to achieve a fair arrangement at least upon ending the relationship and is prepared to defend their rights come what may. It is therefore important to respect the client’s inner motivation, make them aware of the expected financial, time, and emotional investment involved in litigation, and weigh that against the narcissist’s likely very disadvantageous settlement offer.

Limits of an agreement

Narcissists typically avoid having things set down in writing; they thrive in a gray area of chaos, where they can leverage their temperament to secure an advantage and keep an ex-partner on a short leash. They like to invoke ad-hoc arrangements and completely ignore the other parent’s need to plan time, whether with the children or without them. They enjoy showing up uninvited and unannounced, intruding on the children’s time with the other parent through unexpected visits or constant phone calls. They label the other parent’s need to set and maintain boundaries as confrontational (“Can’t I just see my kids normally?”) and as an infringement of their parental rights. For this reason, a narcissist has little motivation to enter into binding arrangements. When drafting agreements, they tend to push for vague, content-free declarations instead of clear, quantifiable rules. If a narcissist is willing to agree quickly and constructively, it is usually because they have other motives (e.g., wanting to remarry) or already know they have lost and can save face by signing an agreement.

Word salad

At this point we need to introduce another item in the narcissistic arsenal: word salad. Anyone who has encountered narcissistic behavior can attest that debating a narcissist is extremely frustrating and often yields no meaningful outcome. By the end of the exchange, the other person feels exhausted, confused, and often guilty for even bringing the topic up (“Do we really have to talk about this at nine at night / over breakfast / on the way to work…?”). They also can’t retrace the twists of the conversation and don’t understand why so many unrelated topics were dragged in.

It is, in part, a manipulative, below-the-belt (though not necessarily fully conscious) argumentative strategy, in which the narcissist is unable to answer a direct question (for example, feigning not to understand, or deliberately diverting the discussion to ground where they feel more secure). The result is an incoherent mix of flattery, pseudo-logic, insults, blame-shifting, and lecturing, familiar from political debates. Suddenly, the narcissist “doesn’t understand” figures of speech like analogy or hyperbole (“She said I could do whatever I wanted, so I slept with her”), lies openly, or artfully manipulates facts (“I never lied to you. You never asked if I had debts”).

Word salad is immensely draining and, together with gaslighting, becomes another pillar of the victim’s dependency on the narcissistic partner. The victim feels beaten down by the “argumentation,” and often guilty, because the narcissist has managed to deflect attention from their own problematic behavior and shift the blame for the entire situation onto the other person. If, out of conversational frustration, the narcissist’s partner finally explodes and blurts out a vulgarism, the narcissist becomes the moral victor of the debate because the partner “used foul language.” This technique can turn even the calmest person into a bundle of nerves; in the narcissist’s narrative, the partner is then recast as an out-of-control generator of unpredictable scenes and angry outbursts, while the narcissist completely ignores what caused them.

Couples therapy, mediation, family counseling

If a client chooses to pursue professional help for couples, it’s important to define what outcome the intervention should achieve. Couples therapy focuses primarily on improving mutual interaction and maintaining the relationship. Mediation, by contrast, aims more at reaching agreement on practical and legal matters. Family counseling works with family relationships as a whole; it is not limited to preserving the partnership and is recommended mainly after a breakup to help harmonize the family situation. It’s also essential to know that couples therapy and mediation are confidential, and their outputs cannot be provided by the therapist or mediator to third parties (at the request of OSPOD or the court) without the clients’ consent. This restriction generally does not apply to outputs from family counseling. Therefore, you should inquire about confidentiality rules before starting sessions and tailor the content you disclose accordingly.

Pitfalls

All of these couple-focused interventions with a narcissist come with several pitfalls. First, narcissism is a relatively new area, and not all professionals are trained in (clinical) work with narcissism and narcissistic clients. They are also only human and, like the victim, can fall under a narcissist’s spell.

After years of a codependent relationship, a pair may appear before a therapist (mediator/counselor, here I’ll use the single term therapist) in which one partner radiates energy and charisma, launches into a sparkling opening exchange with the therapist, while next to them sits a stressed partner with a host of problems and complaints. It’s no wonder that, at first glance, the narcissist’s partner can appear to be the high conflict one. Precisely in such cases, however, the therapist should be on alert. A narcissist typically tries to moderate joint sessions directly or indirectly, setting the agenda, or clogging the time with word salad whenever the topic doesn’t suit them. The therapist must therefore be sufficiently experienced and confident in their role, so as not to be steamrolled by the narcissist and their charm, and to keep a firm grip on the session’s structure. For the victim, therapy led by an ill-suited professional can be profoundly frustrating and even secondarily traumatizing. A therapist may inadvertently hand the narcissist a distorted validating narrative with which to further browbeat and bully the victim (“Even the doctor said you have XY”). Conversely, if the therapist begins, even mildly, to confront the narcissist about their behavior, they immediately lose the narcissist’s trust, and the narcissist will very likely terminate the sessions soon after.

1. Couples therapy

Clients usually enter couples therapy after succumbing to the narcissistic partner’s hoovering but make continued relationship contingent on joint therapy. In any case, even the most competent therapist cannot guarantee a radical change in the narcissist’s behavior, because the narcissist lacks internal motivation to change. A narcissist does not have a realistic self-appraisal; they may be able to acknowledge problems in their interpersonal relationships, but they are not willing to draw personal consequences from them.

2. Mediation

Everything stated above applies to mediation. Because mediation aims at achieving a practical, articulable outcome, its goal is more concretely defined, and one can partially set aside the emotional ballast that weighs down couples therapy and family counseling. In this setting, the usefulness of mediation can often be gauged accurately after the first few sessions. An advantage of mediation is that legal representatives can participate; they can subsequently record the content of the agreements reached and finalize them on the clients’ behalf.

Another possible format is “shuttle mediation”, in which the mediator moves between rooms, or multiple separate meetings are held. Separate sessions are strongly recommended in all asymmetric and abusive relationships, into which narcissistic relationships fall.

3. Family counseling

Family counseling focuses more on arranging matters concerning the children rather than the partners themselves. Narcissists typically love family counseling because it allows them, under a benevolent pretext, to continue wearing down the former partner and maintain control. Client experience suggests that family counseling with a narcissist tends to fail. The narcissist is not genuinely motivated to improve functioning; they are not truly interested in the children but rather use them as a weapon against the ex-partner. If the former partner is trying to maintain firm boundaries and keep the narcissist at arm’s length, family counseling becomes a convenient pretext to lure them out of an information embargo. If counseling is mandatory (e.g., court-ordered), separate sessions can be used here as well. Counseling may be useful where only basic communication rules need to be set, or a narrow, child-related issue resolved (e.g., choosing a school or planning the holiday schedule) that the parents cannot crack; a neutral setting with a professional present can help rein in the narcissist. It is advisable, however, to keep the scope of counseling limited to that specific task and avoid being drawn into broader debates.

General recommendations for couples therapy, mediation, and family counseling with a narcissist

• At the outset, ask about your therapist’s confidentiality rules.
• Do not call the narcissist a “narcissist”; use brief examples and speak about your own feelings.
• Define the topics to be addressed and don’t let the session dissolve into the narcissist’s word salad.
• Before joint sessions, write down notes, keep in mind what you want to address, and steer the discussion back to the core issue—ask the therapist to do the same.
• If the therapist lets the narcissist take over, name what is happening and ask the therapist to resume leading the session and stick to the agenda.
• If you do not feel safe, or you sense the therapist allows the narcissist to dominate the session or pressures you (together with the narcissist) into concessions you are not willing to make, you can request separate sessions at any time—or end the session.

5. We’re Going to Court

Up to now, we’ve noted that it’s important to keep realistic expectations, not only about the outcome of the case, but also about the entire course of custody proceedings. Narcissistic abuse is a relatively unfamiliar issue, and if someone has no personal experience with this behavior, it is almost impossible, within limited time, to convey the full breadth of the tormenting situation the victim faces, or how far-reaching the impact on children can be, not only from being raised by a narcissistic parent, but also from the related conflicts the narcissist stirs up regarding the children.

The concept of shared parenting and its limits

The custody system is built primarily on the principles of shared parenting, which assume both parents have a genuine interest in healthy family functioning and possess the necessary personal and emotional maturity. When a dispute over children is burdened by parental conflict, theory treats it as a temporary obstacle to be resolved by appealing to mutual, reasonable agreement or by ordering family counseling, couples therapy, or mediation, which, as noted, tend to fail in asymmetric and abusive relationships.

This bucolic picture is worlds apart from the reality of high-conflict parenting disputes, which are largely driven by one parent’s personality disorder. Unfortunately, even overt domestic violence that is being criminally prosecuted (abuse of a person living in a shared household under §199 of the Czech Criminal Code)—where, for example, the wife has the status of a highly vulnerable victim with all the protections that entails, often has no permeability into custody proceedings. The victim sits a few meters from her tormentor and is forced to listen to remarks such as, “Don’t bring domestic violence into this,” “Even a psychopath can be a loving parent,” or “The fact that the father abused the mother doesn’t mean he’ll abuse the children.” In short, abuse within the intimate partnership is reclassified as a “parental conflict”, relevant to the outcome of the custody case only if there is a direct and provable impact on the children.

The role of OSPOD workers and the courts

To be fair to system professionals, judging these disputes from the outside is an unenviable task. Judges and child-protection workers (OSPOD) struggle with an overburdened system, emotionally exhausting work, and frequent burnout. They also lack clear guidance on how to decode these cases, and the Constitutional Court has, with its recent rulings, arguably complicated matters further by positing that poorer communication between former partners is to be expected. It therefore cannot, by itself, be considered an obstacle to shared custody, without, however, setting any limits on the acceptable degree of conflict.

As a result, the system often sweeps aside evidence concerning the nature of the conflict and the parties’ communication, invoking the Constitutional Court’s conclusions and the equality of parental rights. If a particular professional (OSPOD worker, mediator, judge, etc.) does manage to look beneath the surface and express support for the victim of narcissistic abuse, it should be welcomed as a bonus yet it is unrealistic to expect them to independently recognize the narcissist’s nature and tailor custody arrangements accordingly. That task must be carried out by the client, with very sensitive support from their attorney.

Proposal for custody arrangements

The proposal should be prepared based on how things currently function, with an eye to the predictable Achilles’ heels of post-breakup co-parenting. We commonly see the narcissist tending to create chaos, encroach on the other parent’s time and competencies, unilaterally decide the amount of child support, or make unilateral decisions about matters concerning the children. Not infrequently, they cultivate an unhealthy fixation of the children on themselves and, quite often, more or less openly program the children against the other parent, that parent’s new partner, or new siblings. Unfortunately, this can lead to one of the gravest parental failings: the development of parental alienation (often termed “parental alienation syndrome”).

The recommendations below are offered with great humility toward each individual case and the level of conflict affecting the specific family. These situations span a wide spectrum, from truly extreme, high-conflict disputes involving domestic violence (in cases of so-called malignant narcissists) to conflicts driven by petty spite and irresponsibility on the part of a highly conflictual ex-partner, which over the long term are more annoying than unlivable.

Precisely drafting the proposal

A proposal to regulate care of the children must be prepared with the greatest possible level of detail so that it covers all conceivable eventualities regarding the care schedule, handovers, sharing of information, child support, and other payments. It’s advisable to minimize “gray areas” that could leave room for the narcissist’s discretion and to minimize shared time. Not all rules for day-to-day functioning can be placed in the operative part of the judgment, so you should ask the court to at least include them in the reasoning section, or at minimum to give oral instructions to the parents and ensure those instructions are recorded in the hearing minutes.

1. Handovers of children

I recommend arranging handovers, whenever possible, through the preschool or school. A narcissist tends to burden handovers with petty provocations or emotional theatrics, and for children, exposure to this tension far outweighs any benefit of seeing both parents together. The narcissist may verbally attack the ex-partner or provoke conflict in the children’s presence. They say long goodbyes, sometimes literally refusing to let the child out of their arms, or make the handover conditional on various “clarifying” conversations. They also often revel in the child’s reluctance to go to the other parent caused by these manufactured dramas and may record it on a device. If the handover occurs at the residence of the parent whose care is ending (i.e., the other parent picks up from that home), the problem is amplified: the child may refuse to leave their room because the narcissist has just opened a new gift with them or started a movie.

Therefore, the proposal should clearly stipulate that on school days handovers are conducted via the pre/school, and include a fallback rule for holidays, school breaks, or illness: in those cases, the handover is to take place at the residence of the parent whose care is beginning. This approach forces the narcissistic parent to at least pack the children and physically bring them to the other parent, which creates minimal, practical preparation for the handover. If the narcissist tends to obstruct or inflame handovers, I recommend ensuring the presence of an independent person before whom the narcissist feels compelled to save face. You can also request occasional assistance from an OSPOD worker or contact an organization that provides supervised handovers (for example, Area Fausta).

2. Communication rules

Narcissists tend toward controlling behavior and, under the pretext of a “right to information,” often burden the other parent with constant messages and phone calls to the children. Sometimes they prompt the children to use video calls to show the interior of the apartment or what Mom, Dad, or their new partners are doing. If the calls take on this surveillance or harassing character, it’s wise to reflect that in the proposed custody arrangements and regulate phone contact in the operative part of the judgment (for example, once every three days within a set time window, with an explicit provision that the call must occur without interference from the other parent). Unfortunately, narcissists are highly inventive and it’s impossible to anticipate every obstructive tactic, so parents often end up giving up on phone calls over time, as they become another source of stress for both the children and the non-conflictual parent. The aim, then, is chiefly to set clear boundaries for the high-conflict parent so they do not unduly intrude on the children’s time while they are with the client.

3. Ordinary and extraordinary expenses

It is advisable to set out, in the operative part of the judgment or at least in its reasoning, rules for covering ordinary and extraordinary expenses (including what counts as such) beyond child support. It is also appropriate to make shared payment for activities and extracurriculars conditional on the other parent’s prior consent to the child’s participation.

4. Claiming tax benefits for children

If one parent has sole physical custody, that parent is legally entitled to claim tax benefits for the children. In a shared-custody arrangement, claiming the child tax credit/bonus should be a matter of agreement. It is therefore sensible to specify which years each parent will claim the tax benefit.

5. Alternating custody with a single home for the children and parents rotating in and out

We are increasingly seeing a model where the parents alternate in a single household instead of rotating the children. In cases like this, the arrangement and its sustainability must be considered carefully. The period after separating from a narcissist is marked by the need to process traumatic events from the relationship and to break free from its dependency dynamics. The client finally gets their head above water, sees the partner’s abusive nature more clearly, and strongly needs to keep the narcissist at arm’s length. By agreeing to rotate in the shared home, they may end up in a similar trap to the one they just escaped, because this expands the scope for the narcissistic ex-partner’s controlling behavior and petty provocations. It’s also important to recognize that new partners and possibly new children often enter the picture after a breakup, raising the question of how compatible this setup is with future family life. In co-parenting with a narcissist, this arrangement should therefore be approached with caution, or used only as a temporary, transitional solution.

The operating rules for such a household need to be set out in a separate agreement, which is not subject to court approval and is therefore difficult to enforce in practice. The agreement should include detailed rules for running the household, paying shared expenses, and, for example, conditions for the presence of new household members. In general, this setup is more suitable where post-separation functioning is truly smooth, or with older children who can assume some responsibility for running the household and where the “time horizon” for living in such an arrangement will not be very long.

Summary of key points for the proposal

• Account for all contingencies regarding child care, handovers, child support, and child-related expenses.
• Also regulate telephone contact and communication rules.
• In the proposal, do not label the person a “narcissist” or attempt a diagnosis; briefly describe the current functioning and justify the requested arrangements.
• Carefully weigh whether to present evidence-backed conflict situations, according to the level of conflict and the seriousness of the narcissistic parent’s behavior toward the children.
• If you don’t have the means for full legal representation throughout, at least consult on the initial proposal. This is the key step from which the entire proceeding unfolds.

6. Hearing before the court

As noted above, the main task in custody proceedings is to give institutional professionals a clear view into the family situation. This may range from cases where only a few basic rules (or the amount of child support) need to be set, to complex disputes over the scope of care, or even (cross-border) abduction cases. As the intensity of conflict rises, so does the need to highlight problematic patterns in the narcissistic parent’s behavior. At the same time, it’s worth noting that narcissists are not necessarily incompetent parents. In some instances, it is enough to draw clear lines and curb the narcissistic tendency to bend everything to their needs through binding rules.

At this point, allow me to step slightly away from gender neutrality. In cases where the high-conflict person is the father, we often see the system applying a bit of a double standard to fathers and mothers. Courts tend to be somewhat more lenient with fathers when it comes to caregiving than with mothers. If a mother objects to the father’s problematic parenting approach, she is very often labeled as domineering, anxious, or “alternative,” whereas we rarely see such stereotyping applied to fathers. A father’s interest in the children is typically welcomed regardless of his motivation, the actual quality of care, or any abdication of certain parenting duties. Therefore, when the client is the mother, I recommend proceeding more cautiously in this respect than when the client is the father. Although clients may wish to emphasize, for example, lapses in daily routine, diet, or certain hygiene habits (unless these are truly serious shortcomings), I advise focusing primarily on other areas of problematic co-parenting so that mothers are not pigeonholed at the outset into one of the categories mentioned above.

This phenomenon is partly conditioned by a lingering patriarchal bent in society; in English it is often referred to as “himpathy” (a blend of him and sympathy). In practice, people and “system” professionals in particular tend to believe men more readily, especially those who appear composed and successful. Paradoxically, this tendency is often more pronounced among women, who may, on an unconscious level, be inclined to look up to powerful, dominant men and seek their approval.

Playing with reality

In these cases, it’s usually a masterful play of light and shadow in which an uninvolved observer soon loses their bearings and has no idea whom to believe. In person, a narcissist can present a very appealing face, an easygoing team-player supposedly being obstructed by the other side. Very typically, the narcissist tries to invert the roles of victim and aggressor. This isn’t just a clever trick; due to ego-defense mechanisms and an inflated sense of entitlement, the narcissist genuinely believes they are the victim.

When child support is at stake, they may be absurdly convinced they have no obligation to pay anything or only a token amount. We see deeply undignified distortions of income and assets that bear little relation to their actual standard of living. Conversely, on the other side there may be demands for child support that stretch credibility as to what such sums could reasonably be used for in the children’s interest.

Terminology

„DARVO“

DARVO is another term from the narcissism toolbox. It names a stereotyped response used by aggressors (not just criminal offenders in the legal sense) when confronted with accusations. The acronym stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender. It’s a manipulative strategy used by physical and psychological abusers and is one form of gaslighting.

The term was first used by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1997. Offenders threaten, bully, and make life hell for anyone who calls out their behavior (attack). The aim is to intimidate the victim into dropping the matter, typically with threats of lawsuits, smear campaigns (accusing the victim of mental instability, bitterness, envy, attention-seeking, etc.), or more or less explicit threats. The offender then creates the impression that they are the one who has been harmed, while the actual victim (or the person supporting them) is the aggressor. In this way the roles of victim and perpetrator are quickly reversed. The offender goes on the offensive, and the victim is forced into a defensive posture, fending off fabricated allegations and public shaming. If we recall high-profile, media-covered cases of well-known sexual offenders, this dynamic is textbook.

Victim blaming

This is also a well-known phenomenon in victimology and likewise a subcategory of gaslighting. It is not practiced only by the aggressor; it is often adopted by system professionals or mutual acquaintances.

It is typically conditioned by gender and culture, aided by deeply rooted stereotypes about how a man or father (the “head of the family”) should behave, or how a woman, mother, and partner should behave (“a satisfied man has no reason to cheat,” “a woman’s skirt hides everything,” “a real man puts his foot down,” etc.). It is also reinforced by minimizing clichés like “there are always two to blame in a relationship” or “the truth is somewhere in the middle.” These “truths” stem from a failure to understand the unequal, dependency-based relationship dynamics described in the chapter on relationships with a narcissist.

Court hearing

Child-custody proceedings should be as brief as possible; ideally, a first-instance judgment should be issued within six months, something that is often not met in high-conflict cases. Compared with standard civil proceedings, the first hearing is usually scheduled very quickly (typically within two months).

Course of the hearing

Both parents should be heard, and the child-protection authority (OSPOD) is invited as the child’s guardian. OSPOD takes an active part in the proceedings (it may question the parents and submit its own proposal).

For the client, the court hearing is above all about maintaining composure, calm, and steady nerves. Although mediation or family counseling can be declined or conducted separately, in court one must face direct confrontation with the narcissistic ex-partner, often marked by elements of the DARVO pattern and by shifting responsibility onto the victim (the client is accused of being intransigent toward the other parent when, in fact, they are simply trying to prevent continual boundary-crossing during their parenting time; pressure is put on them to make further concessions, while both parents are urged to “reach an agreement themselves, because they know what is best for their child” which, unfortunately, is precisely the stumbling block that does not work with a narcissist).

When we enter the courtroom with a client who is the victim of narcissistic abuse, the client and their attorney each have a specific role, one that is difficult for the client to fulfill alone without legal representation.

Tips for attorneys

Beyond the usual role of navigating procedural twists and turns, an attorney must also resist narcissistic gaslighting and the “play with reality” described above. The attorney should orient themselves to the issue of narcissism and explicitly name the phenomena present in the client–ex-partner dynamic (codependence, DARVO, projection, fact manipulation, self-contradiction, etc.).

It is neither necessary nor desirable to call the other party a “narcissist” or to label them or their conduct in similar terms. What is needed is to point out, precisely and concretely, what is happening. For example, if the narcissist shields themselves with reasonably worded emails to the other parent, it’s important to highlight the stylistic mismatch with their prior communication from the period before the scrutiny of custody proceedings (here, artificial intelligence can be a welcome aid, its analysis can surface “toxic” elements of communication more reliably than the human eye, which is inevitably subject to emotional bias). If the narcissist accuses the client of non-communication, it may be relevant to note that the narcissist floods the client with five phone calls a day, etc. In short, counsel should urge the court to take evidence on the overall credibility of the high-conflict parent, and on the purposive and harassing nature of their conduct. During examination, do not let the narcissist slip away from the question asked; rein in their word salad and point out that they are obstructing the examination with evasive, verbose answers (for example, by using a “broken record” strategy, repeating the question to compel an answer, or at least to make clear that they refuse to answer).

Preparing the client

As noted above, after years of cohabitation and subsequent co-parenting, the victim is often under constant pressure. They face not only boundary violations, manipulation of the children, and withholding of finances, but also frequent stalking and threats. The client may therefore be in a state where their demeanor could harm them in court.

The client must understand that their time in court is limited, and it is undesirable to let it be consumed by defending against the narcissist’s false accusations, provocations that the narcissist or their attorney will use to trigger a reaction. It is almost certain the narcissist will lie in court, so the client needs to be mentally prepared for this. These untruths should be addressed briefly and clearly, avoiding non-meritorious debates that will tire the judge and reinforce the impression of a mutual parental conflict. The client should be supported by individual therapy so they can go through the proceedings calmly and with dignity.

Close friends or family may also attend the hearing to provide support from the gallery. These attendees can additionally note the other side’s reactions that the client or their attorney might miss in tense moments.

Projection

In my experience, given the DARVO phenomenon, narcissists gradually adopt the rhetoric of the victim during proceedings and accuse the actual victim of the very same offenses that characterize their own behavior. For this reason, I decided that this chapter should not be overly “instructional,” so that the problematic party cannot simply appropriate the strategies described.

If we label the narcissist a manipulator, in the next interaction they will accuse the victim of manipulating facts, and so on. The narcissist’s greatest enemy, however, is time. A narcissist usually cannot keep up the façade for very long. Unfortunately, the amount of time needed varies from case to case, and if the court matter is resolved in two hearings, that window is often too short to fully expose the situation. I am not urging anyone to prolong proceedings; rather, I aim to relieve victims of the pressure to engage in frenetic courtroom activity because over the long term, the narcissist tends to discredit themselves best.

Recommendations for the court hearing:

• The client and their attorney should avoid gratuitous aggressiveness; however, if the hearing has reached the stage of “open combat,” it is not appropriate to be overly lenient toward the narcissist.
• We recommend thorough preparation with the client for their examination, especially for questions from the opposing side.
• Neither the client nor the attorney should be drawn into a defensive posture against the narcissist’s false claims and half-truths.
• The attorney should be familiar with potential topics the narcissist might use to discredit the other parent. Narcissists have a utilitarian relationship to the truth and may lie even about verifiable matters; therefore, it is wise to have documentary evidence ready, at least against foreseeable allegations. There is no need to file it proactively, do so only if the narcissist asserts the opposite, in order to undermine their overall credibility.
• At the same time, avoid inundating the court with evidence, a common temptation for clients, since narcissistic abuse typically consists of numerous minor tricks and provocations and is best recognized in context rather than through isolated “major offenses.” It should be up to counsel to determine which matters are legally relevant and which case examples to include in submissions so they capture the essence of the problem as faithfully as possible, bearing in mind the client’s priorities may differ markedly.

7. The Decision

Reaching the judgment stage is far from the finish line. From the client’s perspective, the key question is whether the ruling, especially the operative part on custody, is worded in a way that will be practically sustainable over the long term. Matters such as the scope of parenting time and the amount of child support are a separate category, where it’s necessary to consult with counsel about the likelihood of success on appeal. The other side of the coin is whether the opposing party will accept the ruling. In high-conflict cases, if the outcome is favorable to the client, it will very likely be a thorn in the narcissist’s side. In narcissistic disputes, it is rare for a first-instance decision to remain unappealed.

Specifics of judgments in custody proceedings

As noted, custody proceedings have certain particularities. When a judgment setting child support is issued, it’s important to know that the operative part on child support is provisionally enforceable, i.e., the obligated parent must begin paying regardless of whether the judgment is final, starting from delivery of the written judgment. This does not prevent appealing that part of the decision, but any new amount will take effect only under the appellate (or a new first-instance) judgment.

By contrast, orders on custody/care or other rulings are enforceable only once they become final, so the start of the regime set by the judgment can be delayed by an appeal. The Constitutional Court urges appellate courts in family matters to decide on the principle of “full appeal”, if the first-instance decision does not suffer from serious defects, the case may be assessed on the basis of the file without extensive new evidence, and the appellate court should decide the matter itself rather than remanding, so as not to prolong proceedings. While this system is more efficient, it can sometimes produce “surprise decisions,” where the appellate court completely reverses the first-instance judgment—against which no further appeal is possible. Considering this and the points made in previous chapters, an appeal should be weighed very carefully in every case.

Decisions in custody matters often depend heavily on the individual judge’s approach, which makes outcomes difficult to predict in general terms. If, for example, the client is dissatisfied because the judge paid little attention to the nature of the parental conflict, it should be noted that the appellate court will likely examine the case in even less factual detail.

Another factor is that no extraordinary appeal is available in family matters, so the Supreme Court does not unify case law here. A decision of the appellate court can only be challenged by a constitutional complaint, whose success rate hovers around 5%. Your best chance of obtaining a judgment that reflects the parents’ real situation is therefore at first instance, where there is also the most room to acquaint the judge with the family’s specifics. It is thus unwise to hold back “backup” arguments for a possible appeal. Likewise, if the client was frustrated by a low degree of empathetic understanding at first instance, the appellate stage will likely feel even more discouraging in that respect.

If the client was not represented before the first-instance court, the appeal stage, especially drafting the appeal, is a critical juncture at which I strongly recommend being represented by an attorney.

Change of circumstances and a new petition

In custody matters, proceedings can be reopened if there is a change in circumstances, that is, any change in the situation that affected the outcome of the dispute, whether on the parents’ side (moving house, loss of income, etc.) or the children’s side (older age, starting compulsory schooling, increased costs for the child, health issues, etc.).

In co-parenting cases involving a narcissist, we often see the high-conflict parent repeatedly filing new petitions in quick succession. They do this until they get what they want—or simply to keep the conflict alive and thus maintain control over the other parent. Here, much depends on the judge: whether they are decisive enough to assume responsibility and dismiss repeated petitions when the alleged change in circumstances is not sufficiently substantiated.

8. Subsequent co-parenting with a narcissist

We’ve reached the legal endgame, a final, binding court decision. The parent now has a judgment which, if crafted properly, should serve as a binding manual for day-to-day functioning, with a detailed breakdown of care and finances.

That alone will be problematic for a narcissist, who, by nature, feels above any rules. They will very often insist there’s no need to follow the judgment, and if the ruling contains any loophole, they will exploit it to their advantage. In any case, once the matter becomes final, the emotional burden that accompanies every court proceeding falls away. In ordinary cases, things calm down, both sides accept the situation, and relationships gradually stabilize. Although the narcissist publicly professes a dislike of quarrels and conflict, in reality those are their necessary fuel, so be prepared for family life to remain stressful. Practice shows that flashpoints recur periodically, typically around events such as Christmas, the start and end of the school year, holidays, or life milestones (children’s or grandparents’ birthdays).

When the narcissist’s “open conflict” phase ends, their arena shifts to petty provocations and manipulation of the children, with constant testing of boundaries. It is therefore important to accept the situation internally as a kind of life reality and, if helpful, to process it in therapy. It’s also useful to adopt communication techniques, which we’ll sketch out here, that avoid escalating the underlying conflict with the narcissist wherever possible. Whenever an issue arises, weigh carefully whether to let it go or whether intervention with the narcissistic parent is truly necessary. As the saying goes, “choose your battles” with a narcissist, and I recommend keeping the truly necessary ones very few. One of the key battles is the initial implementation of rules based on the custody judgment.

Child handovers

Handovers are often the last redoubt where a narcissist can regularly exert influence. When handovers occur in the physical presence of both parents, they are frequently burdened by dramatic scenes or obstruction. The narcissist says prolonged, theatrical goodbyes, stretching the moment far beyond what’s appropriate, which heaps emotional strain on the children.

We encourage parents to do the opposite: flatten the emotional tone and treat the handover as a purely logistical transfer from point A to point B. Say goodbye to the children before leaving home, and then carry out the handoff to the other parent on a “kiss and ride principle”, cheerfully wish the children a pleasant stay with the other parent and depart promptly.

Handing over belongings and clothing

We also encounter various obstructions regarding the transfer of belongings and unusual behavior around clothing. High-conflict individuals often demand that the children wear only “their” clothes or forbid them from taking toys from the other parent’s home. In some cases, it goes to extremes: children must change into a second set of clothes at preschool or school or immediately strip off the other parent’s clothing upon arriving home.

Such situations are extremely distressing for children. We therefore advise parents to let go of this battle and dress the children as the high-conflict parents insist on. In practice, parents are forced into this approach anyway, since items handed over often don’t come back or return dirty, damaged, or, say, missing the second shoe.

Extracurriculars and hobbies

Extracurricular clubs and activities deserve a chapter of their own. When children are in a week-on/week-off shared-custody arrangement, reaching agreement on these activities is often very difficult. The result can be that a child attends a club only once every two weeks; weekend meets or matches also end up happening only when the child is with the parent who enrolled them. Over time, this is practically disqualifying for the child’s progress in that activity.

For shared custody, we therefore recommend a model in which each parent has fixed weekdays, e.g., Monday–Wednesday with one parent, Wednesday–Friday with the other, and alternating weekends on an odd/even week cycle.

Manipulation of children

Another extremely painful chapter is a narcissist’s programming of the children against the other parent. This occurs in all such cases without exception; what varies is the degree and the form of manipulation, depending on the narcissist’s subtype. Malignant narcissists revel in openly (even crudely) smearing the other parent, while other types tend to be more passively aggressive and remarkably inventive. They’ll belittle the other parent condescendingly, often under the guise of a joke, form age-inappropriate alliances with the children (“We’ll keep a secret from Mom/Dad,” “We don’t talk to the girls,” or “If you tell Dad, Mommy will be very sad”), or prompt the children to say or do something “funny” to the other parent. They turn the children into little messengers and frequently use them to push for schedule changes (for example, promising an amazing New Year’s Eve plan even though they know the child is supposed to be with the other parent that year. Any disappointment is then blamed on the other parent who “ruined” the fun).

The ingenuity of narcissists in this area is boundless. They are inwardly convinced of their exalted status vis-à-vis the shared children and, as in all aspects of their relational setup, are unwilling to respect the other parent’s role and the children’s distinct relationship with that parent. The non-narcissistic parent must also accept that, despite the often very harmful influence, the narcissistic parent is part of the children’s lives, and must find a way to integrate and internally come to terms with that reality.

We recommend focusing on the positives a narcissistic parent might nevertheless pass on to the children. If, due to the narcissist’s efforts, a child is temporarily turned against you, keep your composure, offer the child unconditional acceptance, and trust that this approach will provide the secure attachment they need, one that can help them later overcome the consequences of the high-conflict parent’s conduct. Refrain from any negative commentary about the other parent. Instead, in ways appropriate to the child’s age and maturity, name what is happening, encourage critical thinking, and point out how well the words of people around the child align with their actions. That toolkit will serve children in today’s world regardless of who their parents are.

Shared parenting and parallel parenting

In recent years, the concept of shared parenting has been gaining ground in the Czech Republic in cooperation with custody courts. While this initiative is laudable, I believe it’s important to remember that it is not universally applicable and can cause real harm in precisely these cases of highly conflictual parenting.

Sharing presupposes reciprocity and equality, something a narcissist cannot manage, because relationships “work” for them only under conditions of their own power dominance. For clients, it is extremely frustrating to hear about the need for ongoing mutual meetings “for the sake of the children,” when that simply means more exposure to interaction with a narcissistic manipulator. Not to mention that, for children, these unequal and abusive interactions between parents only bring further trauma.

Foreign sources therefore use the concept of parallel parenting for such cases. This approach is based on strictly separate time, households, and parental competencies for each parent. These principles should guide any more conflictual co-parenting arrangement; with consistent respect for these rules, a cooperative, friendly parenting relationship may later emerge. As a rule, where pathological personality dynamics do not stand in the way (on one or both sides), parents naturally arrive at shared-parenting principles on their own, without the need for institutional imposition.

9. Communication strategies

These communication strategies are widely used in the context of narcissistic abuse and are intended for those who, because of family or other ties, must continue interacting with a narcissist.

No contact

The ideal, baseline position is “no contact” with the narcissist: don’t reply to messages or calls, don’t initiate contact, don’t send “funny videos,” etc. This stance rests on a radical acceptance of the situation and the understanding that a narcissistic personality style has no realistic prospect of improvement and that hope should be relinquished entirely. Unfortunately, ending contact still carries stigma for the person who takes this step, without others pausing to consider what level of abuse drove them to such a radical measure. This option is not possible for parents of minor children, which is why the “grey rock” strategy is used in such cases.

Grey rock

Here, the goal is to make oneself entirely uninteresting to the narcissistic ex-partner and thereby minimize the emotional “supply” the narcissist draws from interaction. Do not take the bait for confrontations, do not defend yourself against accusations, and give up the need to feel, even faintly, morally superior or to have the last word. If the narcissist creates a situation that requires a response, reserve your response for writing and formulate it calmly.

All communication in grey rock mode should consist of a polite greeting, the practical information needed, and a sign-off. As a rule, do not share any personal information. Because such interaction can appear hostile in front of children, there is also the “yellow rock” variant.

Yellow rock

The principle is the same as grey rock, but the communication is lightly “warmed” with courtesies: “Enjoy the weekend!”, “Did you hear the kids have a new music teacher?” etc.

In general, I recommend interacting with a narcissist as politely, calmly, and emotionlessly as possible. Parents sometimes wrap their messages in legalese, which tends to escalate things in the narcissist’s eyes. While that impulse is understandable, we suggest keeping the tone as informal as possible and striving to normalize the situation.

10. Glossary of terms

• Love bombing – The initial phase of a relationship in which the narcissistic partner literally floods the target with love and attention. This stage is usually an intense, unique experience; memories of it, together with the false belief that the relationship can return to that phase, can keep a toxic relationship going for decades.
• Trauma bonding – Arises from the human need for belonging and an emotional bond with a loved one and often begins in childhood due to a child’s natural dependence on caregivers, even abusive ones. This bond is more enduring and deeper than the disillusionment caused by betrayal or mistreatment.
• Cognitive dissonance – Typical among victims of narcissistic abuse: a disharmony between what they believe (or want to believe) and what they rationally know. People tend to ease this tension subconsciously by self-deception to protect themselves from painful feelings.
• Intermittent reinforcement – A psychological phenomenon typical of addictive relational patterns (and gambling). Positive feedback or a reward for certain behavior arrives randomly. This unpredictability creates powerful habit-forming behavior because the unexpected reward feels especially intoxicating (e.g., a rare “good evening” with the narcissist after weeks of strain).
• Hoovering – After a period post-breakup, the narcissist tries to lure the former partner back by reactivating the love-bombing phase. Once the relationship restabilizes, now much sooner, everything returns to the old pattern, usually one level worse.
• Gaslighting – From the film Gaslight (1944), in which a husband dims the lamps and convinces his wife she’s imagining it. Undermining another’s reality, feelings, or senses is a core tool by which a narcissist gains control. They present fabrications as facts and distort real facts into artful half-truths, forcing the victim to doubt their own perception.
• DARVO – Acronym for deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender: a defensive manipulation strategy whereby the aggressor seeks to appear as the victim. They first deny everything, then attack the victim with a smear campaign (e.g., “doing it for attention,” “mentally ill,” “bitter”), and finally cast themselves as the wronged party (e.g., “being dragged through court,” or even staging injuries).
• Victim blaming – A victimology phenomenon not limited to the aggressor; system professionals or mutual acquaintances may adopt it. Gendered and culturally conditioned, it’s fueled by deep-rooted stereotypes about how men/women “should” behave and about how offenders/victims “should” present. It may minimize the narcissist’s actions or question the victim’s status (e.g., “If it was so bad, how did they live together 20 years and have three kids?”).
• Projection – A psychological mechanism in which the narcissist attributes their own negative traits, mistakes, or failures to others. Because accepting responsibility would puncture the self-image of perfection, they may absurdly accuse others of what they themselves are doing—thus avoiding confrontation with their own shortcomings.
• Flying monkeys – From The Wizard of Oz: helpers who do the villain’s dirty work. The narcissist runs a smear campaign against the ex-partner through family, mutual acquaintances, and even institutional professionals. These people may mean well but adopt the narcissist’s twisted or outright false narrative in which the victim is blamed for everything.
• Word salad – A manipulative, below-the-belt (not always fully conscious) argumentative tactic: the narcissist evades direct questions or clear positions when it doesn’t suit them, splintering the exchange into unrelated topics. The result is an incoherent mix of flattery, pseudo-logic, insults, reproaches, and lecturing; they feign not understanding figures of speech, lie openly, or artfully juggle facts.
• Himpathy – A blend of him and sympathy: owing to a lingering, historically rooted patriarchy, systems tend to believe men more readily, especially dominant, seemingly composed, and successful ones.
• Triangulation – A tactic for gaining and cementing power within a group. The narcissist inserts themselves as a communication go-between, filtering and shaping information among family members (or coworkers), controlling both flow and interpretation to sow distrust and tension and to consolidate influence. In family contexts, this includes programming children against the other parent, feeding them distorted information, or forming alliances with them against the other parent.
• No contact – A stance rooted in radical acceptance: recognizing that a narcissistic personality style won’t improve, and relinquishing that hope by removing the narcissistic person from one’s life. Do not respond to messages or calls; do not initiate contact, not as punishment, but to protect one’s mental health.
• Grey rock – Since no contact isn’t feasible for parents of minors, this strategy aims to make oneself utterly uninteresting to the narcissistic ex and thus minimize the emotional “supply.” Share no personal information, don’t take the bait for confrontations, don’t defend yourself, and give up needing the last word.
• Yellow rock – A softened variant of grey rock, useful around children: the same principles, but with a light layer of politeness and small courtesies.

11. Sources

Most resources are in foreign languages, simply because other countries are a bit further along on this topic. In the USA and Australia you can even find specialized law firms focused on protection against psychological abuse in legal disputes.

I recommend the website and podcasts of clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who explains narcissistic abuse in a highly engaging way. She highlights the sore spots of the court system and discusses well-known cases of narcissistic offenders within a professional psychological context. Dr. Ramani has more than 25 years of clinical experience with narcissism; her books are readable and accessible, and I consider her one of the pioneers in this field (https://doctor-ramani.com/). Only one of her books (It’s Not You) has recently been translated into Czech, but her original titles are available on the Czech market and come highly recommended.

Carl Knickerbocker is an American attorney and influencer who spreads legal awareness about co-parenting with a toxic ex-partner. He compellingly sketches the twists of custody proceedings involving a narcissistic parent and is one of the advocates of parallel parenting in such cases. He hosts the podcast Unapologetic Parenting, offering short episodes on co-parenting scenarios and litigating against a narcissist.

Bill Eddy is an American lawyer, mediator, and therapist. He has published several books on recognizing high-conflict behavior patterns with tips for handling them and, above all, for detaching from their destructive influence (some are translated into Czech). As a family lawyer, he has long warned about the impact on children of these high-conflict disputes and the difficulty of detecting such dynamics in the court system. He co-founded the High Conflict Institute (https://highconflictinstitute.com/), which specializes in training and education in this area.

Dr. Christine Cocchiola is a British therapist and long-time social worker who works with victims of domestic and sexualized violence, especially the offense known as “coercive control,” which is prosecuted in some Anglo-American jurisdictions. She focuses on systemic victimization and the devastating effects on shared children, who are always secondary victims in family systems where narcissistic abuse is present. On her website (https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com/) she offers a support program for protective parents whose children are being programmed by a narcissistic aggressor, including many tips on therapeutic parenting by the “safe parent.” She warns about the effects of high-conflict parenting and opposes awarding any form of custody to such individuals.

Among Czech authors, I’m aware of the work and media outputs of Petr Kinkor, the Sázovský couple, and Jan Dvořák, who do admirable work in this field.

Book sources:

• Miraza Debbie, Jak odhalit skryté narcisty a bránit se jim, Grada Publishing, a.s. 2022
• Bonelli, Raphael M., Mužský narcismus, Portál, 2018
• Röhr Heinz-Peter, Narcismus – vnitřní žalář, Portál 2001
• Jandová Lucie, Život s narcisem – Více než příručka pro srážku s psychopatem, Jandová Lucie 2021
• Ross Rosenberg, Syndrom lidské přitažlivosti, Dauphin, 2019
• Ramani Durvasula PhD, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, 2024
• Ramani Durvasula PhD, Don’t You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility 2019
• Ramani Durvasula PhD, Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist, 2015
• Selma Evans, Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, Selma Evans 2023
• Michael Marino, Breaking Free From a Narcissistic Co-Parent: A Comprehensive Guide to Co-Parenting With a Narcissistic Ex-Partner, Overcoming Their Control, and Protecting Your Children
• Mary Dale, The Art of Detachment: Tips & Tricks for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Set Boundaries, Preserve Your Sanity, and Protect Your Child from a Toxic Parent
• Carl Knickerbocker JD, The Parallel Parenting Solution: Eliminate Confict With Your Ex, Create The Life You Want
• Bill Eddy, Proč volíme psychopaty a jak to zastavit, Prtál 2022
• Bill Eddy, Mediating High Conflict Disputes, HCI Press 2021
• Bill Eddy, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, J.P.Tracher 2018